Black & white. I wish life was so simple. The past 48 hours have been a challenge. Nothing catastrophic. Just life. I sometimes feel like the reverse superhero, trying to balance my two identities; that of a mother and that of a working professional. When you begin your day stripping a bed and a small child, who had an “accident” in bed the night before, followed by throwing in laundry; running to wash hands; running up and down the stairs to make sure people are getting showed; throwing out breakfast while simultaneously making coffee-much needed I might add; running back upstairs to make sure people are getting dressed and then down again to make lunches- it hard to imagine that suddenly you will shower and that baptism of water, makeup and clean clothes will magically convert you into being an “adult” and working professional.
Some days I wonder where I went. I mean, that woman who pre-kids who could go for a run, make it to the 5:30 am train and be fully prepared for the day by the time she arrived at work. I am by nature a planner. Someone who likes everything planned and executed, to the best of her ability, to that plan. Children make up their own plans. Try as I might can’t be that Stepford Mother and nor do I exactly want to be. The chaos that children create is bittersweet. To some extent I relish in observing their ability to do as they please and get messy without boundaries. When did I become so obsessive about the lines?
Could I be a full-time working professional- out of the home- again? I could, but an element of me truly believes that life is short and if I have my children, then I want to enjoy them as much as possible and is financially feasible. Could I be a full-time at home mom? Possibly, but I question how I would fulfill my need to work, which is by definition for me both a compulsion and to some degree a necessity. So I do neither and continue to strive towards balance. On some days I am elated that I have fulfilled one aspect of my life or the other, but rarely both. If I did either, then I might be freed from this constant struggle, liberated even. So what is the answer? I don’t know. I wish I knew. I am just trying to take one day at a time, minute by minute.