Mom Evolving

Miss Representation- A Powerful Message about Media & Our Kids

I first saw a trailer for this documentary on a Facebook post of a friend-

Miss Representation 8 min. Trailer 8/23/11 from Miss Representation on Vimeo.

After viewing it once, I was hooked. I had to watch it again. I even contacted my local theater venue to see if they would be willing to host a viewing. If you haven't seen anything about Miss Representation, I suggest you watch the trailer or visit the site www.missrepresentation.org- the message is that important.

According to the trailer, teenagers today consume 10 hours and 45 minutes of media a day. But what exactly are they consuming? What messages are they absorbing when they view TV, ads, movies, and other online content? As a parent of a school aged boy and girl, I like to think that I am fairly vigilant about what my children are exposed to. I realized after watching this that I have a lot more to do.

As a female I think that in some ways I have become immune to how women are so often portrayed on TV, in ads etc. that I no longer "see" the subtle messages. Yes, Toddlers & Tiaras is extreme, but what about the other, less overt degradation of women? Shows where women or girls are portrayed as "dumb" or solely focused on for their exterior appearance? These are the messages that have become so commonplace that I guess I simply take them for granted. I recognize my apathy and hope that it does not spread to either of my children.

For my daughter, I want her to see women as powerful- and not just because of their sexuality. I want her to realize her ability to do and be anything she wants, as long as she puts her mind and hard work into it. For my son, I want him to see women as valuable contributors to all aspects of society. I  hope that he will recognize and respect women's rights, intellect and beauty- hopefully in that order.

Society will not change overnight, but I vow to increase my vigilance and, where possible, will provide positive contrasts for both my children. Maybe one day advertisers will seek to pay for ads featuring strong, intelligent women- not just those who look good with airbrushing.

Kid Craft Storage Solutions

My son is now 9 and I have been collecting artwork, yes even the faded post-it that he first scribbled on, ever since he could do something other than drool.  For years I have put his, and later my daughter's, artwork and school papers into bankers boxes, folders, plastic bins etc. Ever so mindful of not throwing away anything that "might" be important.  Until last week.

As one of my summer projects I took on how to be store my kids' crafts, school papers etc. Given the larger sizes of some of the artwork, I have been consistently challenged to find appropriate ways to store these larger items so that they don't get destroyed.  While talking to a fellow mom recently, she mentioned that she had heard of someone using unused pizza boxes.  They allow for storage of the bulkier items and stack well.  However, the best feature is that you only assign one box per year.  Once the box is full it is full.  That way if you engage your child in helping you, it helps set a boundary up-front as to the amount of items to be retained. And, let's be honest- it also helps the parent too. 

I found my boxes online at a restaurant supply store:  www.webstaurantstore.com.  You can buy the generic boxes with "pizza" on them or just plain corrugated cardboard.  They come in packs of 50 for about $15.00, so I would suggest teaming with another parent and make the order worthwhile because shipping is almost as much as the boxes.

Label maker in hand, I set out and labeled all of the boxes and began the ridiculously time consuming task of organizing: 

  
And then there was the final result!

 

 

 

Yelling-A Deep Dark Secret

I admit it. I hate to admit it, but it does happen- albeit infrequently. Yelling. There I said it. Yellers, I come from a family of them. It was unfortunately how I was brought up, and exactly what I did not want for my children.  And yet...occasionally a yell escapes from me.

"KC, get dressed now, put on those tights. We're going to be late for your dance class."

Nothing. My daughter sat on the floor with her arms crossed, a defiant look across her face. "No. I don't wanna wear THOSE tights. I want the ones without the feet in them!"

"KC, you HAVE to wear these tights or else the tap shoes will rub your feet and they will hurt. Put the tights on."

"No."

"Put the tights on NOW!!!" The voice was raised, but I was still in control. I took a breath, looked at the clock and started to assess my options. There was no response to my request that she get dressed. Just a furrowed brow and a hard stare. This was clearly turning into the battle of the wills. The clock was ticking and I was forced to try and dress an uncooperative wet noodle of a five-year old. My frustration level increased and there was no time left; we were barely going to make dance class.

"KC, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU ARE BEING SO DIFFICULT. WE ARE DOING THIS IS ALL FOR YOU!"

My yell escaped and I could hear the tone of my voice, my mother's voice, echo in my head. And, I felt horrible. As I put her in the car, I went over what had upset me about her behavior and then apologized for my own poor behavior. I hugged and kissed her and wished that it had never happened.

Ironically very soon after that incident, I came across an article on www.parents.com, "10 Ways to Stop Yelling" written by Jami Brown and it was a great refresher, with many tips that I current use and a few more for me to think about:

http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/tips/ways-to-stop-yelling/?page=9

Time permitting, I regularly employ the idea of a parent time-out. When I have reached the end of my rope, I often look away briefly to catch a breathe, make a frustrated face and generally compose myself again.  There have even been those occasions where I have excused myself to the bathroom just to buy time to regroup and avoid yelling entirely.

I love the suggestion noted in the article by Michelle LaRowe author of "A Mom's Ultimate Book of Lists," where she advises talking in a calm, soft voice because then the child has to work harder to hear what you are saying. Sometimes this works, but it means you need to be in control and have time to kill.  I have found that it takes a bit for my kids to realize what is going on and hear what I am saying. Personally I find that the more well rested and less stressed I am, the better I am able to do this.

Am I still going to yell? I would like to think not, but realistically the answer is probably yes because I know it's something that I am working on. My hope is that someday I will have evolved enough that a yell never escapes. But until then, on the occasions that it does happen, it's time to take responsibility for my actions- not just with myself, but my children as well. I have taught them from an early age that relationships are built on love, respect and trust.  I know that when I am yelling I am no longer being respectful or loving. To not recognize this to them would diminish the value of the very lesson I am trying to teach. I am a work in progress, always hoping that each day brings improvement and new insight.

 

Martin Luther King- A Five-Year-Old's Perspective

“Mommy, there was once a King who told all the people that we should be together. Before him, all the kids had to go to different schools and couldn’t be friends because they were different colors- Isn’t that silly Mommy? Anyway the King said, ‘No More! Everyone should be equal!’ And then all the boys and girls could be together. Wasn’t he a great King?”~ My daughter KC, age 5, on the importance of Martin Luther King Day.

Life Lessons

Although the sports and politics issue has been challenging, I think it has taught my little man some amazing life lessons. He has found something he really wants to work towards and has decided nothing is going to stop him- well except for bees.

Every day, well except for yesterday and that tiny incident with a bunch of yellowjackets, CJ comes home and grabs his gear to practice baseball.  It amazes me to watch him dump his backpack, grab his baseball bag and go out back to throw or hit the ball.  With determination on his face he pitches the ball into the bounceback and then will jump up or dive to catch it.  Hitting is another story, he has started to hit the ball into the bounceback... and to other areas of our house as well.. nearly missing lights on the deck.  Regardless, he is out there practicing and I think it is wonderful. 

Do I think he will be a elite athlete someday? I don't know and frankly don't care.  He has found something that he enjoys, lets him unwind after school and it is teaching him that if you really want something, sometimes you have to work at it.  Now I just need to hope he doesn't break my window, or my neighbors...

Relationships are Complicated

Relationships are complicated. I really wish they weren't.  Recently CJ learned that sometimes friends can change on you, for seemingly no apparent reason.  Sure it is easy to say, "well maybe they weren't a true friend after all" but really that doesn't take away a child's sadness.

Luckily at his age children tend to rebound, but he is learning a very valuable, albeit unpleasant, lesson about life. As we talked about his recent experience, I suggested that he continue to be nice to this child but also to seek out different friendships. While I was counseling him I started to listen to what I was telling him.  Pausing, I realized that I should really heed my own advice. 

Recently a friend whom I had begun to trust and rely on started to change towards me. It has not been totally consistent, but there is definitely something different. As this has been unfolding all the self-doubt and insecurities that I had as a little girl have begun to rise up again. But wait, I am the "grown-up" I should be able to have "big girl" discussions with adults and "work through" issues, right? While all of these things are true, I am still figuring out how to best approach this.  Although I will address the issue, or perhaps non-issue, I also have realized that even a "big girl" needs to be reminded that sometimes people just have issues and you simply can't take it personally.

Mondays

Mondays by definition always seem tough.  That return to routine from a weekend of structured chaos. I expect that my kids will be tired.  I expect they might be a bit grumpy.  Yet....I do expect we will be able to work through the morning routines without too much issue.  After this morning I realize that my expectations are unrealistic.

KC was on a terror this morning.  It has become a true battle of the wills.  I picture us opponents on the gladiators- Mother vs. Daughter. Or perhaps an old western quick draw. It is about who is going to outlast whom.  The stare-down contest. The ultimate battle of wills.  Perhaps this should be a new reality show?

We have cut out all sweets, yes and even the Easter candy.  I have encouraged her, most days in vain, to try and take a nap. The days when she seems to have enough sleep are better, but there is still that underlying defiance. I really don't know what to do at this point, except research.  Once again I am at a loss and feel completely ill-equipped to being a parent.

Out of the Fog

Today I woke up, for the first time in almost a week, where I felt like I was out of the fog.  The last week has been, well, exhausting.  I flew back into town on Monday after running a half marathon, spent Tuesday getting my affairs in order and then went into for round 627 (no not really but that is what it feels like) of oral surgery.  I spent most of the weekend swollen and bruised, until Sunday night.  As if working on and assembling information for taxes wasn't enough, around 10 Sunday night I heard the most awful retching sound from KC's bedroom. 

Running upstairs, two stairs at a time, face pounding in time with my footsteps, I was hit with the most awful smell. Putrid really. There was my daughter covered in vomit. No this wasn't some dainty episode, there was vomit all over her, the bed, the floor, the wall and well heck- even the door.  My first thought was, "REALLY?" Followed by, why do builders think that off-white carpeting is a good idea?  Stunned, my husband and I went into action. He took her towards the bathroom and I began the toxic cleanup efforts.  The rest of the night was spent with KC in the bathroom.  So here I am "recovering" with no sleep, holding my daughter. Just as I would drift off, I would hear the sound of her stomach and we would go through yet another round.  As one might imagine, yesterday on no sleep was brutal. 

By the end of the day, I was spent. I was brought nearly to tears by exhaustion and the fact that nothing I could do would make my head, face, jaw and mouth stop hurting.  I finally resorted to a meditation mix that I had and eventually fell asleep around 11. So today, today I feel better than I have in a week. It is amazing what sleep does for you. Although my chin looks like I was sucker punched, my face is slowing making its way back to normal too. On to another day.

Jeans in the Freezer

Less than 24 hours and a deal I had been working on since October would finally close.  It marked the end of a long process, that had been unnecessarily time consuming and at times very stressful. 

Pulling into our driveway, I looked up. The dingy white skies and the whistle of the wind around the car made me wish that somehow I could be transported inside to my warm home, rather than having to get out and unload small children and groceries.

As I pulled KC out of her seat, I noticed two matted greenish blobs on the seat of her car seat.  Staring at them, a flash of the back of her jeans appeared before me. Just the day prior I had placed her jeans aside, unable to make sense of the odd stain on her pants.  Herding the children inside, I set the groceries down and grabbed the jeans out of the laundry room. Evidence in hand, I approached KC.

"KC"

"Yes Mama?"

"Can you explain what this is?"

With a shrug and quickly downcast eyes, "I dunno."

"KC, did you have green gum in the car?"

Paradoxically sneaky and forthcoming, my four year old came clean. "Yeeessss. I took it and hid in my cup holder. So you wouldn't see, I hid it under my legs."

"After it was chewed?" Somehow the logic escaped me.

"Hmmm Hmmmm."

Brilliant. I had to search the deep recesses of my brain for what exactly to do with gum on clothing. Peanut butter was for hair, or scissors depending on the severity of the mess, but what the heck do you do with ground in gum on clothing?  My vague recollection was that like wax, you try and make it cold and hard. So as I casually put the groceries away, I also tossed KC's jeans in the freezer.

Part of the way through making dinner, assisting with homework and devising peace agreements between my two munchkins, I check on the jeans. Hoping for the best, I pulled them out.  Knife in hand I tested the waters, but no luck. The knife just pulled the gum but it was not distancing itself from my daughter's jeans. Crap.

After stopping to stir my sauce on the stove, I tossed the jeans back into the freezer.  The level of the issue had escalated and it called for ..... a search of that wonder source of information and misinformation... the world wide web.

Amazingly, there are many articles about how to get gum out of or off of all sorts of things: shoes, cars, clothing etc. etc.  With the click of my mouse I was about to become educated. Gum apparently can be removed from clothing with gasoline.  This however did not thrill me, because I could only imagine that even after washing her jeans that somehow the smell would permeate the cloth and I would be stuck with a 4 year old who smells like a mechanic.  Further down, I found references to alcohol and that gin works especially well.

Not having any gin around, I went for vodka, Absolute actually. Figuring the base of her car seat might be a better place to "test" this theory, I pulled it off the structure of the seat and laid it on the counter. Opening the bottle, I put some on a paper towel and dabbed the gum. Just as I was about to begin scraping with my knife, in walks my husband.

Not wanting to upset matters he calmly walked by, looked at me with knife in hand and open vodka bottle on the counter. Then he went over to the freezer to put in the ice-cream he brought home, and out fell the jeans.  This apparently was a little too much.

"Uh. This may be a strange question (about as strange as finding your wife with an open bottle of vodka and a knife in hand), but were you aware that there are jeans in the freezer?"

To this, I just started to laugh and put the knife down.  I realized at that moment just how crazy I must have looked.  After explaining my logic, and stirring the sauce a little more, our little experience turned into a science experiment as we tried to figure exactly why alcohol will break down the gum. We still don't really know, but it was interesting all the same.

Mommy Time Battle

Last week the Washington Post published an article, "The Test of Time: A busy working mother tries to figure out where all her time is going." It chronicles the author's time usage, as reflective of a working mom.  The author, Bridid Schulte, clearly documents the struggle that all moms, especially working moms, face as they try and work essentially two full-time jobs.  The story really resonated with me, as evidenced by the fact that I am writing this a full WEEK after I began reading the article. Did I also happen to mention that it is Sunday night at almost 11 p.m. after the children are asleep, laundry started, kitchen cleaned, swimming lessons complete?

I digress. What is most amazing about the story is her reference to John Robinson, a sociologist at the University of Maryland, who claims that women today have an additional 30 hours of leisure time, versus those in the 1960s. When I read this, a huge "WHAT?" started flashing like a large neon sign in front of my eyes. All this mind you, while working mothers also assumed an additional 3 hours of time caring for our children versus 1965, according to Robinson's research.

To say that I was completely blown away is an understatement.  Being a mother is a full time job, and one that does not give you paid vacation days, or hazard pay when you get puked on. I find even on the rare occasion when I am away from my children I am thinking about them, putting things in place for them, discussing their schedules or issues with my husband. It simply does not end.  There are sports, or dance classes, school events, social events and on and on. It has gotten to the point that we now use an Outlook calendar to sync up all of the various events in our family. It may sound crazy, but for us it works.

Tonight at the swim lesson, I discussed this article with a friend of mine who is also a working mom and mother to three children.  Her response, "Are you KIDDING me?" Having known her most of my life, we talked about our childhood; how we were able to play until dark without much supervision. However, in today's environment I don't see how I would ever allow my child to do that to the same level that I did.  It is simply a different world, and in some ways more sinister.  We wondered if we were able to let our children play more freely outdoors if that would creat more "leisure time." However, we agreed that really it would just be filled with more items as we attempt in vain to keep up with the day to day needs of our families.

Do I have leisure time? Or time just to be free to do what I please? I will admit there is some here and there, but often it feels like it is filled with thinking about all the other things that need to be done, or at the sacrifice of something else.  I guess that is just the lesson. To be present in the moment as much as possible and know that it is equally important to "make time" for a little leisure.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/11/AR2010011101999_5.html?sid=ST2010011304189