Mom Evolving

H1N1- The Day, The Shot, The Panic

Beginning last night we started prepping both CJ & KC for the fact that we were going to get a shot today to prevent a really big sickness that could have them end up in the hospital.  We tried to provide the rational that it was better to get a quick shot now, then end up really sick in the hospital with many shots and needles.

Did it work? No. CJ asked question after question- which is his way of working through his fears and issues.  He asks the same questions, or variations thereof, over and over again until somehow he feels comfortable.  KC on the other hand seemed indifferent, even going so far as to point out that the last time she had a shot she did not cry or anything.

The morning went off without much of a hitch, until it was time to get ready to go.  I had a sitter here in the morning so I could run out to a few appointments and when I came back, KC was dressed but in no way ready to "go." In fact the minute she saw me the tears and the mantra "I don't want to get a shot!" began.  It escalated to a full blown fit, much to the horror of my sitter. Bit by bit I was able to get her fleece and shoes on and just carried her out the door. 

By the time we had arrived at the doctor's office both children seemed pacified enough that we could walk in.  We took our appropriate place in line and then as soon as it was our turn to go into "the room" KC began to wail. Not a small whimper but a full on screaming fit, with each "I don't want to get a shot" statement getting louder and louder.  These even continued after she had been given the H1N1 shot.  Somehow she missed how I had to restrain both her arms and legs while holding her on my lap, and that the shot was actually over.  A point that I found mildly amusing. Then came CJ.

I turned to him and could see the panic rise in his eyes. He grabbed his crotch and vainly tried the "I have to go to the bathroom" stall tactic.  It didn't work, the nurse simply explained that there were other people waiting and he could go just as soon as she quickly gave him his shot.  With much trepidation he approached the table.  As she was getting ready to do it he screeched, "WAIT!" With that he clenched his little fist, released it, closed his eyes and counted "One, Two... " and we were done. He seemed shocked that it was all over and then suddenly very pleased with himself.

A huge weight was lifted as we walked to the front office to check-out and claim our stickers.  And then, then I looked over to CJ. His lips were white. All the color was gone from his face too and then, "Mom, I think I am going to be sick."  I dropped everything and ushered both children into the bathroom.  With one hand on him, I looked at the listing of the adverse side effects- paleness was one of them.  Panic now began to rise in me. What had I done? Inside I was praying that he wasn't going to have a horrific reaction.  Here my children had been so adverse and I kept assuring them that everything was going to be fine and now my son was pale as a ghost on the bathroom floor with his head over a toilet.

I calmly went out of the little bathroom and ran right into the doctor.  Luckily he seemed unfazed by the whole incident and said he thought that CJ's blood pressure may have dropped.  It could have been due to the shot combined with anxiety.  He just needed a few moments to recoup himself and lay down.

Going back into the little bathroom, I looked at my son. His color was already starting to come back into his lips, and he was asking about lunch.  These were all good signs.  So I led him out of the office and, just for my own peace of mind, laid him out on our third row seat.  He laid there happily reading his book, until finally he informed me that he really was feeling fine except that he was really hungry and could we please leave and get some food.  Relief set in as I pulled away, but I am still on guard. I am watching and waiting to make sure nothing else materializes.  Ironically their anxiety is fading while mine is lingering... 

Mommy Brain

Mommy Brain- the inability to remember anything, unless it is immediately in front of you.  It is a "brain fog" like condition that descends upon mothers during pregnancy and although its severity is reduced somewhat, it persist as the child ages. It is further exacerbated by lack of sleep or caffeine. No known cures, except perhaps days of pampering, sleep and room service.

I had my week all planned out.  I find that unless I write it all out, I will forget what I am supposed to be doing or really need to accomplish during the week.  I used to be ridiculously organized, now I am reduced to constantly referring to my little 4x6 notebook for my tasks and my outlook calendar in my Black Berry. If it is not there, then it is no where on my radar screen.

So I thought I was set. I knew everything that needed to be done, and how this could all (or almost all) be accomplished around a myriad of appointments and obligations.  And then life went unscripted. Monday morning KC woke up with green goo smeared all over her face and coming out her eyes. No this was not some B- horror film, it was my four year old with a disgusting sinus infection.  Lovely.

Quickly, and without so much as a single cup of "joe" a new script took form. I needed to quickly get her dressed and to walk-in hours by 7:45, or lest we end up in the waiting room at the pediatrician with who knows how many H1N1 germ filled patients.  Luckily I was able to get her in and out of the doctor's office relatively unexposed, but then, then it was time to start making calls. Calls to her school, calls to my physical therapist, calls all over to cancel my day's plans.

It is now day two and the plans are still in an amoebic state.  So I plod on, trying to get a thing or two accomplished in between, not entirely sure how I am going to catch up.  The list in that 4x6 book will just have to grow a bit longer I suppose....

Question of the Day

What did you do for your 16th birthday?

There was a random ice storm, and we didn't think it was going to go off.  Bbut I had a birthday party at a restaurant complete with custom cake with a huge pink telephone on it. The phone was so fitting because I was always on it as a teenager.

The Monday Blues

It is late afternoon on Monday and I have to admit that I have the Monday blues.  The blues that come with the realization that you did not get half of what you needed to get done completed over the weekend coupled with being overwhelmed with the week to come.  Between work, school and children activities I am not clear as to how I am going to get it all done.  Just one step at a time, but for now I am singin' the blues.

Mommy Marathon

I am a runner and have been ever since I was a freshman in college.  It began as a quest to shed that "freshman 15" and has turned into a lifelong pursuit.  I have participated in many races of varying lengths including two marathons.  As I race and pass each milestone, I think... only x miles to the next one... etc etc. until I see that wonderful finish line and then I know that am done. 

Some days, no make that most days, I feel like I am running a Mommy Marathon. And although I have little milestones or goals for each day, unfortunately I don't ever feel like I am seeing a big finish line.  So maybe it is the Mommy "Treadmill" Marathon that I am running. I just don't know, but I am tired and there does not appear to even be a rest stop in sight. So unfortunately, I have gotta run to the next thing on this Friday race day, good thing I have new running shoes.

Sixteen Candles Remake

So it has been crazy since last Tuesday. I have been working pretty much around the clock, bouncing back and forth between work obligations and maintaining all the normal "Mom" routine like a human ping pong ball. Then, just I am thinking I am getting a reprieve, my day begins with a call to halt everything I have worked on for the last week. I take a deep breath, clear my mind, reorient and still convince myself that today is going to be a great day.  Just as I do this I set KC up with a craft, complete with child safety scissors. As she sits there happily with glue, glitter and metallic paper making a collage, I run about to try and catch up on things around the house.  I am in an out of the kitchen and somehow in my extremely tired state completely MISS that she has lopped off 2 inches of her hair reminiscent of a scene from Sixteen Candles. Seriously?! I am blown away and don't know whether to laugh or cry.  Luckily it was the top layer of her hair and so it kind-of blends into the lower layer.  At least it wasn't the front. Small consolation. And yes now at dinner time I am still convinced it is going to be a good day. 

Question of the Day

Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? Least like?

MacGyver (or my husband who is a modern day version of him) to help figure a creative way out of there. Least likely? Jabba the Hutt.

In the Back Seat

As mothers we are the go to people. The one person who often manages and balances it all. Work, schedules, kids activities and then provide all the home and emotional balance necessary for this little familial universe to exist.  Yet the funny thing is as much as we are in charge, we also put ourselves in the back seat.  More often than not we sacrifice for our kids, our family... but at what cost? 

Tonight I was invited by a friend to a gathering of women for a jewelery party.  I did not know anyone but the host and as I talked to the various women at the party, I was once again profoundly aware of how much we sacrifice of ourselves for the greater good of our families.  As stories were shared, perhaps a bit more free flowing because of the wine, I was taken aback at the amount of sacrifice that these women had endured.  Several had fought cancer, some extramarital affairs and others fought just losing themselves in the monotony of every day life. 

Although my children are not grown, and I have not had cancer or some of the many things mentioned tonight I have to wonder how to balance that conditioned response of taking the "back seat."  Although our children, relationships and work are important so is the very essence of who we are and what we are about.  If we constantly put ourselves second, and don't make time to nurture ourselves then what is left? 

Tonight I stayed longer than I anticipated and will probably be overly tired tomorrow. However, I enjoyed myself, reclaimed a little bit of me and a yes I admit a little bit of jewelery as well. Like any exercise, I think I just need a little practice.

Change is in the Air...

The sun is beginning to dip below the horizon, giving everything gold and pink highlights. I stand there on the deck and feel the mixture of the air, both cool and warm, in an atmospheric thermocline.  Gently, leaves float to the ground until their yellow confetti covers the fading green grass below.  I wrap my left arm around my right, close my eyes and breathe in. I inhale a breath which is rich in a musky fall scent lightly laced with the smoke of a fire lit in someone's hearth.

It is as if the wind is ushering in the transition. At this time of year we are finishing the harvest and preparing the lands so that they might bear good crops in the spring. Even I in my garden have pulled the last of the tomatoes and cleared out the dead vegetation.  In Sanskrit wind or Pavana is also known as a purifier and somehow this resonates with me.  This process of preparation is almost like purifying the land in establishing a new foundation. A foundation for new growth.

I stand there a moment longer and think about how the competing temperatures of the wind echo the conflict of this time of year.  The time when summer has long transitioned into fall but still seems to have a hard time letting go.  Sometimes you need to let things go and get rid of the dead parts to allow new growth to prosper. I realize just how important this is in my own life; within my own journey to rediscovering who I am and what is most important to me.

Driven to Chocolate

I am almost 4 weeks from my surgery and my shoulder is far, as my therapist and husband keep reminding me, from healed. That however is not my real issue, although it is true that somehow it got yanked and is now sore while I was playing an unintentional game of "Twister" on the stairs with KC today as she threw a tantrum. No. No, today was just one of those days.

A day when you wake up, get people out the door and gleefully get some work done before the other one wakes up. Then when you see her disheveled "bed head" and soft smile you erroneously fool yourself into thinking that today is going to be awesome. You sail through breakfast and manage to get a few things done while she colors by your side and then, then someone flips a switch and the another child emerges entirely.  One who shrieks the word "NO!" at the mere mention that you do anything other than what she is choosing to do right that second. One who literally throws herself down in front of strangers kicking and screaming in such a scene that her aunt in Hollywood would be proud.  Time outs do nothing. Removing key items do nothing. Discussing- nothing. Ignoring the "time out" shrieks- NOTHING.  Oh no! Who is possessing my sweet little pixie?

Maybe I could handle this better if I wasn't running to blow my nose every few minutes, or constantly having sneezing fits. Or maybe this is just a 3-4 year old testing her limits. Whatever the reason, it has driven me to my lone solace this afternoon. No I am not talking about Valium, although I truly understand why mothers sought out the "little helper" in the day, I am talking about chocolate. Just one little Cadbury square melting in my mouth. I knew it wouldn't solve today's ills, but for that one moment I was able to enjoy a little burst of chocolaty goodness.  Well, that is until my nose starting running again and KC and CJ began to fight. So much for bliss. Is it bedtime yet?