Mom Evolving

Miss Representation- A Powerful Message about Media & Our Kids

I first saw a trailer for this documentary on a Facebook post of a friend-

Miss Representation 8 min. Trailer 8/23/11 from Miss Representation on Vimeo.

After viewing it once, I was hooked. I had to watch it again. I even contacted my local theater venue to see if they would be willing to host a viewing. If you haven't seen anything about Miss Representation, I suggest you watch the trailer or visit the site www.missrepresentation.org- the message is that important.

According to the trailer, teenagers today consume 10 hours and 45 minutes of media a day. But what exactly are they consuming? What messages are they absorbing when they view TV, ads, movies, and other online content? As a parent of a school aged boy and girl, I like to think that I am fairly vigilant about what my children are exposed to. I realized after watching this that I have a lot more to do.

As a female I think that in some ways I have become immune to how women are so often portrayed on TV, in ads etc. that I no longer "see" the subtle messages. Yes, Toddlers & Tiaras is extreme, but what about the other, less overt degradation of women? Shows where women or girls are portrayed as "dumb" or solely focused on for their exterior appearance? These are the messages that have become so commonplace that I guess I simply take them for granted. I recognize my apathy and hope that it does not spread to either of my children.

For my daughter, I want her to see women as powerful- and not just because of their sexuality. I want her to realize her ability to do and be anything she wants, as long as she puts her mind and hard work into it. For my son, I want him to see women as valuable contributors to all aspects of society. I  hope that he will recognize and respect women's rights, intellect and beauty- hopefully in that order.

Society will not change overnight, but I vow to increase my vigilance and, where possible, will provide positive contrasts for both my children. Maybe one day advertisers will seek to pay for ads featuring strong, intelligent women- not just those who look good with airbrushing.

Yelling-A Deep Dark Secret

I admit it. I hate to admit it, but it does happen- albeit infrequently. Yelling. There I said it. Yellers, I come from a family of them. It was unfortunately how I was brought up, and exactly what I did not want for my children.  And yet...occasionally a yell escapes from me.

"KC, get dressed now, put on those tights. We're going to be late for your dance class."

Nothing. My daughter sat on the floor with her arms crossed, a defiant look across her face. "No. I don't wanna wear THOSE tights. I want the ones without the feet in them!"

"KC, you HAVE to wear these tights or else the tap shoes will rub your feet and they will hurt. Put the tights on."

"No."

"Put the tights on NOW!!!" The voice was raised, but I was still in control. I took a breath, looked at the clock and started to assess my options. There was no response to my request that she get dressed. Just a furrowed brow and a hard stare. This was clearly turning into the battle of the wills. The clock was ticking and I was forced to try and dress an uncooperative wet noodle of a five-year old. My frustration level increased and there was no time left; we were barely going to make dance class.

"KC, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU ARE BEING SO DIFFICULT. WE ARE DOING THIS IS ALL FOR YOU!"

My yell escaped and I could hear the tone of my voice, my mother's voice, echo in my head. And, I felt horrible. As I put her in the car, I went over what had upset me about her behavior and then apologized for my own poor behavior. I hugged and kissed her and wished that it had never happened.

Ironically very soon after that incident, I came across an article on www.parents.com, "10 Ways to Stop Yelling" written by Jami Brown and it was a great refresher, with many tips that I current use and a few more for me to think about:

http://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/discipline/tips/ways-to-stop-yelling/?page=9

Time permitting, I regularly employ the idea of a parent time-out. When I have reached the end of my rope, I often look away briefly to catch a breathe, make a frustrated face and generally compose myself again.  There have even been those occasions where I have excused myself to the bathroom just to buy time to regroup and avoid yelling entirely.

I love the suggestion noted in the article by Michelle LaRowe author of "A Mom's Ultimate Book of Lists," where she advises talking in a calm, soft voice because then the child has to work harder to hear what you are saying. Sometimes this works, but it means you need to be in control and have time to kill.  I have found that it takes a bit for my kids to realize what is going on and hear what I am saying. Personally I find that the more well rested and less stressed I am, the better I am able to do this.

Am I still going to yell? I would like to think not, but realistically the answer is probably yes because I know it's something that I am working on. My hope is that someday I will have evolved enough that a yell never escapes. But until then, on the occasions that it does happen, it's time to take responsibility for my actions- not just with myself, but my children as well. I have taught them from an early age that relationships are built on love, respect and trust.  I know that when I am yelling I am no longer being respectful or loving. To not recognize this to them would diminish the value of the very lesson I am trying to teach. I am a work in progress, always hoping that each day brings improvement and new insight.

 

Martin Luther King- A Five-Year-Old's Perspective

“Mommy, there was once a King who told all the people that we should be together. Before him, all the kids had to go to different schools and couldn’t be friends because they were different colors- Isn’t that silly Mommy? Anyway the King said, ‘No More! Everyone should be equal!’ And then all the boys and girls could be together. Wasn’t he a great King?”~ My daughter KC, age 5, on the importance of Martin Luther King Day.

Relationships are Complicated

Relationships are complicated. I really wish they weren't.  Recently CJ learned that sometimes friends can change on you, for seemingly no apparent reason.  Sure it is easy to say, "well maybe they weren't a true friend after all" but really that doesn't take away a child's sadness.

Luckily at his age children tend to rebound, but he is learning a very valuable, albeit unpleasant, lesson about life. As we talked about his recent experience, I suggested that he continue to be nice to this child but also to seek out different friendships. While I was counseling him I started to listen to what I was telling him.  Pausing, I realized that I should really heed my own advice. 

Recently a friend whom I had begun to trust and rely on started to change towards me. It has not been totally consistent, but there is definitely something different. As this has been unfolding all the self-doubt and insecurities that I had as a little girl have begun to rise up again. But wait, I am the "grown-up" I should be able to have "big girl" discussions with adults and "work through" issues, right? While all of these things are true, I am still figuring out how to best approach this.  Although I will address the issue, or perhaps non-issue, I also have realized that even a "big girl" needs to be reminded that sometimes people just have issues and you simply can't take it personally.

Mommy Time Battle

Last week the Washington Post published an article, "The Test of Time: A busy working mother tries to figure out where all her time is going." It chronicles the author's time usage, as reflective of a working mom.  The author, Bridid Schulte, clearly documents the struggle that all moms, especially working moms, face as they try and work essentially two full-time jobs.  The story really resonated with me, as evidenced by the fact that I am writing this a full WEEK after I began reading the article. Did I also happen to mention that it is Sunday night at almost 11 p.m. after the children are asleep, laundry started, kitchen cleaned, swimming lessons complete?

I digress. What is most amazing about the story is her reference to John Robinson, a sociologist at the University of Maryland, who claims that women today have an additional 30 hours of leisure time, versus those in the 1960s. When I read this, a huge "WHAT?" started flashing like a large neon sign in front of my eyes. All this mind you, while working mothers also assumed an additional 3 hours of time caring for our children versus 1965, according to Robinson's research.

To say that I was completely blown away is an understatement.  Being a mother is a full time job, and one that does not give you paid vacation days, or hazard pay when you get puked on. I find even on the rare occasion when I am away from my children I am thinking about them, putting things in place for them, discussing their schedules or issues with my husband. It simply does not end.  There are sports, or dance classes, school events, social events and on and on. It has gotten to the point that we now use an Outlook calendar to sync up all of the various events in our family. It may sound crazy, but for us it works.

Tonight at the swim lesson, I discussed this article with a friend of mine who is also a working mom and mother to three children.  Her response, "Are you KIDDING me?" Having known her most of my life, we talked about our childhood; how we were able to play until dark without much supervision. However, in today's environment I don't see how I would ever allow my child to do that to the same level that I did.  It is simply a different world, and in some ways more sinister.  We wondered if we were able to let our children play more freely outdoors if that would creat more "leisure time." However, we agreed that really it would just be filled with more items as we attempt in vain to keep up with the day to day needs of our families.

Do I have leisure time? Or time just to be free to do what I please? I will admit there is some here and there, but often it feels like it is filled with thinking about all the other things that need to be done, or at the sacrifice of something else.  I guess that is just the lesson. To be present in the moment as much as possible and know that it is equally important to "make time" for a little leisure.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/11/AR2010011101999_5.html?sid=ST2010011304189

 

Question of the Day-Most Exciting Thing I Did Last Year

What is the most exciting thing that you did last year?

After waiting almost a year and several weather delays, we finally took our hot air balloon ride that was purchased at a charity silent auction by my Father and his wife.  I had always thought it looked like fun, but truly had no idea of just how spectacular it actually is.

As the basket lifted off the ground a girlish giddiness overwhelmed me.  I felt as if I was a child all over again discovering something incredibly new and wonderful.  With each blast we rose higher and higher until we were well above the trees. I struggled between trying to really be "in the moment" and trying to capture every scene with my camera so that I would be sure not to forget it.  Even as I write this I feel the joy soar within me and am just so grateful that I have had that experience in my lifetime, much less just this past year.

Resolve to Evolve

This afternoon I attended a fantastic yoga class at Ananda Shala-so appropriately titled "Resolve to Evolve." Part of the class was to evaluate our upcoming evolution of ourselves, broken down into five elemental levels, for the next year:

1) Physical- How do I wish to grow physically? This could be some type of race I want to run or some other physical boundary that I wish to break. I wish to grow by regaining my strength and endurance.

2) Energetically- Do I want to expand or retract my energetic focus this year? I wish to grow by expanding my creative energy and restricting negative energy from myself or others.

3)Mind- This is about removing mental patterns that don't serve us. I wish to grow by releasing myself from the belief that I can never come first or take time for myself.

4)Inner Self- Intuitive Mind- This starts to get a bit further out there, but I still feel there is value to it.  It is about opening yourself to being able to intuitively see, hear or feel things for what they really are. We all have that "little voice" and this is about how we want to refine that or get in better touch with it.  I wish to grow by increasing my inner hearing.

5)Opening yourself to Bliss-This is how you want to open yourself up to bliss or happiness. Maybe it is the commitment to do something new once a week to expand your boundaries. I wish to grow by increased meditation and seeking the positive elements in this world.

Being in class for 3 hours allowed me to focus on my goals and quiet the constant freeway of thoughts running through my mind.  There are so many ways to evolve and grow, at times I think it can be overwhelming.  However progress begins with just one step. Today I took my first step towards following my bliss.

The "Season"

The "Season," that "Christmas Season," that wonderful time of the year is finally, well over- including the epiphany for even you purest.

Finished with the madness, the frenzy to fit it all in. The staying up all hours of the night making wrapped present costumes for a bunch of second graders and a massive Christmas tree costume that could fit a 6+ foot man, complete with lights for a parade.

Finished with "Cookie Fest 2009" a three day, massive cookie adventure culminating with the grand delivery on Christmas Eve.

Finished with the school events, various social events and running from one event to another to try and "squeeze" it all in- all amidst trying to still work. Work? Yes that too.

Finished with the wonderful time to enjoy my family, admire the lights and the time when everyone seems just a little bit nicer.

Finished with my mini-vacation to a winter wonderland-being delightfully snowbound in a cabin with family, puzzles, games and a television that only got the weather channel- which is how we watched the ball drop to ring in the New Year.

Now it is time to look forward. Forward to a new year and a new decade. Although each day brings with it new opportunities, I am looking forward to what this whole year has to bring.

So what is my mantra for this year? This is my year of taking it up a notch. What does that really mean? I don't know yet. But I do know that I want to do everything better- especially balancing my life.  As a mother I tend to give everything, my entire being, to my kids or the work I do to help support them. Consequently, there is often little left for me and I become frustrated at "who" I used to be pre-kids and wonder how I can retain more of "My" identity and the things that fulfill me- other than raising my children.  I believe that there needs to be a balance, and am on the eternal quest to find that balance. This is my year of taking it up a notch, and I am determined to do it all better. Here's to a great new decade!

H1N1- The Day, The Shot, The Panic

Beginning last night we started prepping both CJ & KC for the fact that we were going to get a shot today to prevent a really big sickness that could have them end up in the hospital.  We tried to provide the rational that it was better to get a quick shot now, then end up really sick in the hospital with many shots and needles.

Did it work? No. CJ asked question after question- which is his way of working through his fears and issues.  He asks the same questions, or variations thereof, over and over again until somehow he feels comfortable.  KC on the other hand seemed indifferent, even going so far as to point out that the last time she had a shot she did not cry or anything.

The morning went off without much of a hitch, until it was time to get ready to go.  I had a sitter here in the morning so I could run out to a few appointments and when I came back, KC was dressed but in no way ready to "go." In fact the minute she saw me the tears and the mantra "I don't want to get a shot!" began.  It escalated to a full blown fit, much to the horror of my sitter. Bit by bit I was able to get her fleece and shoes on and just carried her out the door. 

By the time we had arrived at the doctor's office both children seemed pacified enough that we could walk in.  We took our appropriate place in line and then as soon as it was our turn to go into "the room" KC began to wail. Not a small whimper but a full on screaming fit, with each "I don't want to get a shot" statement getting louder and louder.  These even continued after she had been given the H1N1 shot.  Somehow she missed how I had to restrain both her arms and legs while holding her on my lap, and that the shot was actually over.  A point that I found mildly amusing. Then came CJ.

I turned to him and could see the panic rise in his eyes. He grabbed his crotch and vainly tried the "I have to go to the bathroom" stall tactic.  It didn't work, the nurse simply explained that there were other people waiting and he could go just as soon as she quickly gave him his shot.  With much trepidation he approached the table.  As she was getting ready to do it he screeched, "WAIT!" With that he clenched his little fist, released it, closed his eyes and counted "One, Two... " and we were done. He seemed shocked that it was all over and then suddenly very pleased with himself.

A huge weight was lifted as we walked to the front office to check-out and claim our stickers.  And then, then I looked over to CJ. His lips were white. All the color was gone from his face too and then, "Mom, I think I am going to be sick."  I dropped everything and ushered both children into the bathroom.  With one hand on him, I looked at the listing of the adverse side effects- paleness was one of them.  Panic now began to rise in me. What had I done? Inside I was praying that he wasn't going to have a horrific reaction.  Here my children had been so adverse and I kept assuring them that everything was going to be fine and now my son was pale as a ghost on the bathroom floor with his head over a toilet.

I calmly went out of the little bathroom and ran right into the doctor.  Luckily he seemed unfazed by the whole incident and said he thought that CJ's blood pressure may have dropped.  It could have been due to the shot combined with anxiety.  He just needed a few moments to recoup himself and lay down.

Going back into the little bathroom, I looked at my son. His color was already starting to come back into his lips, and he was asking about lunch.  These were all good signs.  So I led him out of the office and, just for my own peace of mind, laid him out on our third row seat.  He laid there happily reading his book, until finally he informed me that he really was feeling fine except that he was really hungry and could we please leave and get some food.  Relief set in as I pulled away, but I am still on guard. I am watching and waiting to make sure nothing else materializes.  Ironically their anxiety is fading while mine is lingering... 

Mommy Brain

Mommy Brain- the inability to remember anything, unless it is immediately in front of you.  It is a "brain fog" like condition that descends upon mothers during pregnancy and although its severity is reduced somewhat, it persist as the child ages. It is further exacerbated by lack of sleep or caffeine. No known cures, except perhaps days of pampering, sleep and room service.

I had my week all planned out.  I find that unless I write it all out, I will forget what I am supposed to be doing or really need to accomplish during the week.  I used to be ridiculously organized, now I am reduced to constantly referring to my little 4x6 notebook for my tasks and my outlook calendar in my Black Berry. If it is not there, then it is no where on my radar screen.

So I thought I was set. I knew everything that needed to be done, and how this could all (or almost all) be accomplished around a myriad of appointments and obligations.  And then life went unscripted. Monday morning KC woke up with green goo smeared all over her face and coming out her eyes. No this was not some B- horror film, it was my four year old with a disgusting sinus infection.  Lovely.

Quickly, and without so much as a single cup of "joe" a new script took form. I needed to quickly get her dressed and to walk-in hours by 7:45, or lest we end up in the waiting room at the pediatrician with who knows how many H1N1 germ filled patients.  Luckily I was able to get her in and out of the doctor's office relatively unexposed, but then, then it was time to start making calls. Calls to her school, calls to my physical therapist, calls all over to cancel my day's plans.

It is now day two and the plans are still in an amoebic state.  So I plod on, trying to get a thing or two accomplished in between, not entirely sure how I am going to catch up.  The list in that 4x6 book will just have to grow a bit longer I suppose....