Mom Evolving

Mommy Marathon

I am a runner and have been ever since I was a freshman in college.  It began as a quest to shed that "freshman 15" and has turned into a lifelong pursuit.  I have participated in many races of varying lengths including two marathons.  As I race and pass each milestone, I think... only x miles to the next one... etc etc. until I see that wonderful finish line and then I know that am done. 

Some days, no make that most days, I feel like I am running a Mommy Marathon. And although I have little milestones or goals for each day, unfortunately I don't ever feel like I am seeing a big finish line.  So maybe it is the Mommy "Treadmill" Marathon that I am running. I just don't know, but I am tired and there does not appear to even be a rest stop in sight. So unfortunately, I have gotta run to the next thing on this Friday race day, good thing I have new running shoes.

Sixteen Candles Remake

So it has been crazy since last Tuesday. I have been working pretty much around the clock, bouncing back and forth between work obligations and maintaining all the normal "Mom" routine like a human ping pong ball. Then, just I am thinking I am getting a reprieve, my day begins with a call to halt everything I have worked on for the last week. I take a deep breath, clear my mind, reorient and still convince myself that today is going to be a great day.  Just as I do this I set KC up with a craft, complete with child safety scissors. As she sits there happily with glue, glitter and metallic paper making a collage, I run about to try and catch up on things around the house.  I am in an out of the kitchen and somehow in my extremely tired state completely MISS that she has lopped off 2 inches of her hair reminiscent of a scene from Sixteen Candles. Seriously?! I am blown away and don't know whether to laugh or cry.  Luckily it was the top layer of her hair and so it kind-of blends into the lower layer.  At least it wasn't the front. Small consolation. And yes now at dinner time I am still convinced it is going to be a good day. 

Question of the Day

Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? Least like?

MacGyver (or my husband who is a modern day version of him) to help figure a creative way out of there. Least likely? Jabba the Hutt.

In the Back Seat

As mothers we are the go to people. The one person who often manages and balances it all. Work, schedules, kids activities and then provide all the home and emotional balance necessary for this little familial universe to exist.  Yet the funny thing is as much as we are in charge, we also put ourselves in the back seat.  More often than not we sacrifice for our kids, our family... but at what cost? 

Tonight I was invited by a friend to a gathering of women for a jewelery party.  I did not know anyone but the host and as I talked to the various women at the party, I was once again profoundly aware of how much we sacrifice of ourselves for the greater good of our families.  As stories were shared, perhaps a bit more free flowing because of the wine, I was taken aback at the amount of sacrifice that these women had endured.  Several had fought cancer, some extramarital affairs and others fought just losing themselves in the monotony of every day life. 

Although my children are not grown, and I have not had cancer or some of the many things mentioned tonight I have to wonder how to balance that conditioned response of taking the "back seat."  Although our children, relationships and work are important so is the very essence of who we are and what we are about.  If we constantly put ourselves second, and don't make time to nurture ourselves then what is left? 

Tonight I stayed longer than I anticipated and will probably be overly tired tomorrow. However, I enjoyed myself, reclaimed a little bit of me and a yes I admit a little bit of jewelery as well. Like any exercise, I think I just need a little practice.

Change is in the Air...

The sun is beginning to dip below the horizon, giving everything gold and pink highlights. I stand there on the deck and feel the mixture of the air, both cool and warm, in an atmospheric thermocline.  Gently, leaves float to the ground until their yellow confetti covers the fading green grass below.  I wrap my left arm around my right, close my eyes and breathe in. I inhale a breath which is rich in a musky fall scent lightly laced with the smoke of a fire lit in someone's hearth.

It is as if the wind is ushering in the transition. At this time of year we are finishing the harvest and preparing the lands so that they might bear good crops in the spring. Even I in my garden have pulled the last of the tomatoes and cleared out the dead vegetation.  In Sanskrit wind or Pavana is also known as a purifier and somehow this resonates with me.  This process of preparation is almost like purifying the land in establishing a new foundation. A foundation for new growth.

I stand there a moment longer and think about how the competing temperatures of the wind echo the conflict of this time of year.  The time when summer has long transitioned into fall but still seems to have a hard time letting go.  Sometimes you need to let things go and get rid of the dead parts to allow new growth to prosper. I realize just how important this is in my own life; within my own journey to rediscovering who I am and what is most important to me.

Driven to Chocolate

I am almost 4 weeks from my surgery and my shoulder is far, as my therapist and husband keep reminding me, from healed. That however is not my real issue, although it is true that somehow it got yanked and is now sore while I was playing an unintentional game of "Twister" on the stairs with KC today as she threw a tantrum. No. No, today was just one of those days.

A day when you wake up, get people out the door and gleefully get some work done before the other one wakes up. Then when you see her disheveled "bed head" and soft smile you erroneously fool yourself into thinking that today is going to be awesome. You sail through breakfast and manage to get a few things done while she colors by your side and then, then someone flips a switch and the another child emerges entirely.  One who shrieks the word "NO!" at the mere mention that you do anything other than what she is choosing to do right that second. One who literally throws herself down in front of strangers kicking and screaming in such a scene that her aunt in Hollywood would be proud.  Time outs do nothing. Removing key items do nothing. Discussing- nothing. Ignoring the "time out" shrieks- NOTHING.  Oh no! Who is possessing my sweet little pixie?

Maybe I could handle this better if I wasn't running to blow my nose every few minutes, or constantly having sneezing fits. Or maybe this is just a 3-4 year old testing her limits. Whatever the reason, it has driven me to my lone solace this afternoon. No I am not talking about Valium, although I truly understand why mothers sought out the "little helper" in the day, I am talking about chocolate. Just one little Cadbury square melting in my mouth. I knew it wouldn't solve today's ills, but for that one moment I was able to enjoy a little burst of chocolaty goodness.  Well, that is until my nose starting running again and KC and CJ began to fight. So much for bliss. Is it bedtime yet?