Mom Evolving

Simplicity

  Black & white. I wish life was so simple. The past 48 hours have been a challenge. Nothing catastrophic. Just life. I sometimes feel like the reverse superhero, trying to balance my two identities; that of a mother and that of a working professional.  When you begin your day stripping a bed and a small child, who had an "accident" in bed the night before, followed by throwing in laundry; running to wash hands; running up and down the stairs to make sure people are getting showed; throwing out breakfast while simultaneously making coffee-much needed I might add; running back upstairs to make sure people are getting dressed and then down again to make lunches- it hard to imagine that suddenly you will shower and that baptism of water, makeup and clean clothes will magically convert you into being an "adult" and working professional.

Some days I wonder where I went. I mean, that woman who pre-kids who could go for a run, make it to the 5:30 am train and be fully prepared for the day by the time she arrived at work.  I am by nature a planner. Someone who likes everything planned and executed, to the best of her ability, to that plan.  Children make up their own plans. Try as I might can't be that Stepford Mother and nor do I exactly want to be.  The chaos that children create is bittersweet.  To some extent I relish in observing their ability to do as they please and get messy without boundaries.  When did I become so obsessive about the lines?

Could I be a full-time working professional- out of the home- again? I could, but an element of me truly believes that life is short and if I have my children, then I want to enjoy them as much as possible and is financially feasible. Could I be a full-time at home mom? Possibly, but I question how I would fulfill my need to work, which is by definition for me both a compulsion and to some degree a necessity.  So I do neither and continue to strive towards balance. On some days I am elated that I have fulfilled one aspect of my life or the other, but rarely both. If I did either, then I might be freed from this constant struggle, liberated even. So what is the answer? I don't know. I wish I knew. I am just trying to take one day at a time, minute by minute.

The Call

It was day two of CJ sick duty, with KC along for the ride.  As I was cleaning up the gourmet lunch of Shrek chicken noodle soup and toast the phone rang. It was my Sister, but the confusing thing was that it was an hour after they should have left for the airport. 

"I thought you were supposed to be on your way to the airport."  I said.

"I am, I just needed to call you and go over a few things before we leave. Do you have a paper and pen?" She replied as if I was to scribe her grocery list.

Hmmm. Paper and pen. She was serious. Sitting at my desk, pen poised in hand I scribbled notes over the next few minutes. I listened as my Sister went over a laundry list of mundane items: where important papers were located; files locations; passwords etc. and then she began to talk about the girls. The light banter ceased.

"You know, if anything were to happen to us, there are things I wanted to share with you about the girls. I would always want to make sure that they eat fresh fruits and vegetables." She paused, as if she did not know what she wanted to say next.